Finding God in the Hardest Trials
This is part 2 of a 3 part blog testimony.
Lessons from Suffering and Miracles of Faith
In Part 1, I shared my journey through the pain and uncertainty that came with my rare neurological illness, which struck just one month into my career as a federal criminal prosecutor. I described the struggles of being bedridden and the feelings of isolation that accompanied my suffering. Despite my outward appearance, I face daily challenges that are sometimes insurmountable. Still, all the while learning valuable lessons about faith, perseverance, and the profound ways God can encourage us during our darkest times.
This season has tested everything I thought I knew about God’s goodness. However, through this journey of six and a half years of pain and suffering, I witnessed undeniable miracles and learned five profound lessons about suffering that I want to share with you.
Lesson 1: God will equip you
I see now how God allowed me to go through that phase of great disbelief in 2014 to strengthen my faith and prepare me for this horrendous trial.
Lesson 2: God's biblical promise that He is with you in your pain is true
While I was shut in alone on a bed for three years with my eyes closed under the care of my parents, God spoke to me through friends who texted me, wrote letters, and sent beautiful gifts. For example, on my 33rd birthday, I candidly told God I hated Him for completely forsaking me. Then later that night, a surprise gift of 50 pink roses arrived at our door. It turns out Toukhig had sent them without knowing it was my birthday, having prayed for months about how and when to encourage me. At first, I was bitter because I wanted healing, not flowers. But it was unmistakable that God sent that gift on my birthday to remind me that He is with me and loves me, despite the unfairness of my suffering.
Another way God encouraged me was through my Christian devotional app. Many of the “devotionals of the day” that my mom read to me were precisely what we needed for whatever trial we were facing that day. God uses coincidental timing to encourage us. For instance, 10 months into my bedridden state, when I felt like a prisoner, the devotional that night was about the apostles Paul and Peter in prison and how, in desperate situations, God is training and changing you for work ahead, urging you to keep trusting.
A third way God encouraged me was through the Bible. My beautiful father read the entire Bible to me from cover to cover in one year. He even went through an astounding 210 Bible study fellowship packets—each about seven pages long. We essentially achieved in one year what most people study for seven. My dad and I grew in Christ together, debating countless theological topics even as I lay in extreme pain. God spoke to us in countless ways, often using common themes. For example, one day a friend texted me that God doesn't abandon His children, and later that night, my mom said the same thing in Armenian without knowing. I kept a redemption journal throughout this time, where my devoted mother wrote down the encouragements God gave me.
Lesson 3: God will sustain you
I won’t lie; His grace does not always “feel” sufficient. Beyond my inability to move, I experienced a sadness akin to that of blind people, as I could open my eyes only for one minute a day. But the operative point is that His grace is, in fact, sufficient because He gives it literally moment by moment. You need no less; you need no more.
God even called me out on this one day, when I was screaming at Him that His grace was insufficient, the devotional later included the verse, “My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Corinthians 12:9). My parents, who are literal heroes, also sustained me. They satisfied my desperate need for intellectual stimulation by discussing various topics for hours, from British history to foreign affairs to traveling to Scotland. Who needs British Airways? During this time, my husband, Matt Silverman, began visiting me, providing refreshing streams in my desert by discussing all sorts of theological issues in person and over the phone.
Despite God sustaining me, I will be completely honest: I hated God at times. It was one thing to take away my shiny toys, but to make me suffer so greatly? I was hanging onto my faith by a string, and I still struggle with this today. Many times, I feel like I’m walking this road to the resurrection alone with Jesus, without my fellow believers truly understanding the grief I’m going through.
Yet, the one truth that keeps me going is my fourth lesson.
Leson 4: You might not always like God’s will for your life; in fact, you might very well hate it
But God is sovereign over all evil and promises to redeem it somehow, even if we can’t see the point of our losses on this side of heaven. We have no choice but to recklessly trust His goodness, even when the outcomes are dire and seem completely opposite to what a loving God would do. That is real faith.
Another purpose for suffering is that it acts as a refiner's fire, making us more Christlike. I learned to sacrifice my will to His because He gave me my dream job as a federal prosecutor and then took it away. Now, I try to “count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ” (Philippians 3:7–11). I also changed dramatically by drinking the bitter cup of humility. I went from giving speeches at legal conferences to relying on others for my every need. For a “Type A go-getter,” the frustration of not being able to cure my illness was unbearable. But God says, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5). Indeed, Christ Himself entered mortality in a shelter for animals and rode into Jerusalem before His crucifixion on a donkey. So, Christ humbles us so that we rely on His strength alone.
A final purpose of suffering is that God molds our faith for work in heaven. Paul reminds us that all our suffering here has eternal use when he says our “light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Corinthians 4:17). That’s my favorite verse in the whole Bible. We will all be glorified when Christ comes back, and we will reign with Him in the new heaven and earth. He is preparing that kingdom right now and has specific plans for each of us there. We will all receive crowns as a result of many things, including the crosses we bore here on earth. Just as Christ had to bear the cross to wear the crown, so too must we in order to reign with Him. “Blessed is the man who patiently endures trials, for when he has been tested and proven genuine, he shall receive the crown of life” (James 1:12).
Lesson 5: God does, in fact, perform miracles today on earth, if it is His will to do so
I have witnessed many remarkable miracles, some of which I’ll share below:
First, while bedridden, my entire jaw muscle was shut tight for three months due to an unexplained neurological spasm. I couldn’t open my mouth even one centimeter. My parents pulverized food in a blender, and I would eat it through a straw three meals a day for 90 days, losing 15 pounds in the process. I was headed for hospitalization once again. We prayed desperately for a miracle, and it was placed on my heart to read the book of Joshua. There, the city of Jericho was “tightly shut up,” yet God promised in advance to give Joshua and the Jews the city, despite it seeming impossible. The Word of God is living and active, speaking to your heart in any given situation. The parallels to our situation were remarkable. A few days after reading the story, my dentist uncle called out of nowhere with one last idea before I went to the ER. He came over, tried a painful maneuver, and then wrapped a band around my head for seven days. After seven days, my jaw miraculously dropped open, and I could chew again. You guessed it—I had BBQ shrimp that night. The parallel to the Jericho story was uncanny, as God delivered the city into Joshua’s hands after he and his people circled it for seven days, just like the band around my head.
Another miracle is that despite having a genetic marker for blood clots, I did not suffer a single bedsore or blood clot in those three years on a bed. Given my immobility, this is an absolute miracle. All the doctors said I would die from a clot or bedsore within six months, yet I kept going for another three years, thanks to the detailed, tender care of my mother, Grace.
A fourth miracle was that after losing 35 pounds over those three years, I regained 20 pounds in just three months due to my abdominal pain miraculously healing, with no logical explanation. This weight gain provided the miraculous strength to do many things, including the fifth and biggest miracle of all: dating and marrying the love of my life, Matt Silverman, all while I continued to endure severe neurological pain. Never did I imagine that my wedding would be to an amazing, godly man facing cancer, and that our union would serve as a testament to how God grants us streams in our desert, even amidst suffering. Time and again, He has redeemed our pain with beauty….
Guest Blog by Lara: Lara Silverman is an Armenian American lawyer, jazz singer, comedic actress, and violinist. A Stanford-trained lawyer, she specialized in high-stakes litigation before becoming seriously ill in 2018. In 2023, she married Matt Silverman, an engineering PhD and Youth Pastor, and they created a YouTube channel, “The Silverman Show,” featuring music, comedy, and faith-based content. After a year of marriage, Matt passed away in June 2024. Lara, still bedridden half the time, recently released her debut jazz/pop album and continues to find strength in her faith.