My Journey to Understanding God’s Purpose in Suffering
This is part 1 of a 3 part blog testimony.
A childhood rooted in faith
When I was six years old, I heard the gospel for the first time at Sunday School. My mum says that when I came home that day from church, I stood on the deck of my backyard and yelled to all the neighbors, “Christ is Lord!” I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior that day.
Growing up as a Christian kid, I experienced God’s grace in countless ways, such as having a wonderful childhood and a beautiful family. My grandfather had been a notable pastor in Syria, so I was always incredibly proud to be a Christian, wearing a chip on my shoulder that I was a Sadakian “torneeg” (grandkid). God also blessed my musical, theatrical, and academic endeavors to the point where by the time I started undergrad, my unspoken conclusion about faith was that if God loved you, He would bless you with earthly success and happiness. Boy, was my theology wrong?
Questioning my beliefs
Many years later, in 2014, my faith hit a crisis when I was demoralized over the death of my dear Aunt Jackie at age 55 a few years before. My “God gives puppies and butterflies to those he loves” theology was shattered. As a mature lawyer, I also started thinking more deeply about how on earth a loving God could allow cruelties like the Armenian genocide without stepping in. Telling God I wanted to be an atheist because I was so angry, I stopped praying to Him completely for about six months. But it felt like something in me had died. Then, while getting breakfast with my sister in Burlingame one day, she asked me politely, “Are you gonna hate God forever, Lara?”
An image showing a picture of a cross on top of a church
A turning point in faith
So, I gave God one more chance by attending my church’s Easter service in April 2014. At one point in the sermon, the pastor said: “Is there anyone here today that wants to give up on God? God is saying don’t give up on me.” I knew in my heart God was speaking directly to me, so I turned back to him in faith, hoping that somehow, God has a reason for all the pain and suffering He allows. I read seven theological books about suffering recommended by my friend Aren, trying to understand how and why God allows and redeems pain for His good yet mysterious purposes.
Around the same time, my friend Betsy and my aunt separately texted me the same week, suggesting I join “Bible study fellowship” in Mountain View. I had been in Bible studies before but nothing this formal that required a systematic review of the Bible on a weekly basis. During the next three years while I participated in BSF, my faith grew rapidly, and I almost didn’t recognize myself in 2017 compared to who I was in 2014. I went from someone who viewed God as a Santa who is supposed to give us shiny toys, to someone who had grappled very seriously with questions about why God allows His children to suffer.
Finding purpose in pain
Exactly three years into BSF and right at the start of my dream job as a federal criminal prosecutor, I came down with a rare, severe neurological illness. For part of it, I was debilitated in an entirely bedridden condition with my eyes closed without being able to move my head off of one pillow. I am now forcing myself to sit up and walk, but struggle with the same extreme pain. Among other issues, I have two structural holes in both ears that cannot be repaired surgically, which causes me nonstop debilitating vertigo and electrical pain in my brain. No one can tell because, frankly, I’m a good actress, and while I am standing up, I put on a smile.
Through this season of unrelenting pain, I’ve come to understand suffering as something God allows not to punish but to shape and draw us closer to Him in ways we might never seek on our own. This severe neurological illness has taken me from the heights of career success to daily struggles with debilitating vertigo, nerve pain, and the isolation that often comes with invisible illness. And yet, through each lesson, God has shown me that even in suffering, there is beauty and purpose that only becomes visible as we turn toward Him.
If you are curious to hear more about these lessons—including the miracles I witnessed and how God has shown up even when His ways felt incomprehensible—join me in Part 2. There, I share how God’s presence became undeniably real, even when my circumstances were at their hardest…
Guest Blog by Lara: Lara Silverman is an Armenian American lawyer, jazz singer, comedic actress, and violinist. A Stanford-trained lawyer, she specialized in high-stakes litigation before becoming seriously ill in 2018. In 2023, she married Matt Silverman, an engineering PhD and Youth Pastor, and they created a YouTube channel, “The Silverman Show,” featuring music, comedy, and faith-based content. After a year of marriage, Matt passed away in June 2024. Lara, still bedridden half the time, recently released her debut jazz/pop album and continues to find strength in her faith.